just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
