the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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