Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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