why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
