sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
