My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
