I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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