My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
