someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
