I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
