seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
