Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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