JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
