Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We are two peas in an std pod
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Randomize
