That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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