I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
