took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
