I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
