i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
