Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
