Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
