I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
