Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
