sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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