Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
