I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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