Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
