im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
