You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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