Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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