Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
