I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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