I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
