Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
