My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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