Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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