Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
