I think I died a long time ago.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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