i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
