So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
