Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
