You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
