You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
