my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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