Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
