I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
