Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
