new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
