my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
