ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
