im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
